Hello and Goodbye

July 19, 2006 we welcomed Frederic "Eric" Dean Foreman and Kyle Robert Foreman into the world, ahead of schedule.
July 22, 2006 Eric was welcomed into Heaven.

We celebrate our short time with Eric and Kyle's growing strength and appreciate all the thoughts and prayers.

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Wednesday, July 19th, I was feeling uncomfortable again already but as I waited with Carey for my appointment with Dr. Raimer, we were distracted with plans for the next day when she would be flying back to Indiana, and for my next few weeks before the twins' birth. But our thoughts were grounded very quickly when Dr. Raimer looked at the ultrasound and her face got very serious - something was wrong. She explained that they were going to transport me directly to Bayfront from the doctor's office and would likely deliver the babies by C-section either that same day or shortly thereafter. Dr. Montenegro was to meet me at Bayfront.

While the nurse wheeled me over to Bayfront in a wheelchair, Carey called Chris to inform him that he needed to leave work and meet us at Bayfront right away. I was brought to the assessment room at Bayfront where Dr. Montenegro looked at another ultrasound and confirmed that I would need to have a C-section immediately. I tried to remain calm while they prepped me for surgery but C-section was my greatest fear. They adminstered a spinal epidural and my feet and legs immediately started going numb. I felt tears well up as they strapped my arms out to the sides. I was afraid and no one could tell me if Chris had made it to the hospital in time. Just when I felt the panic build, a young doctor came to my side and told me that Chris had arrived and was getting gowned up for coming in. Carey had been put in a gown and mask just in case Chris didn't get there in time but at that moment I needed Chris.

Chris stood by my side behind the barrier the whole time, comforting me and assuring me that everything was looking okay. When they began delivering the twins, Chris looked over the barrier and saw "Twin A" being delivered. I heard a whimper so tiny that I didn't think it was his cry until Chris told me it was. His lungs were so tiny that he could not give a full cry. As they delivered "Twin B", they found that the cord had been tangled around the two boys and actually tied in a knot. I didn't know until much later, but at the time of delivery, "Twin A" did not have any blood in his cord. Moments later and both boys would have been lost because of the tangled cord.

"Twin A" was 1 pound, 1 ounce born at 3:46pm. "Twin B" was 1 pound, 6 ounces born at 3:47pm. They were both rushed immediately to All Children's Hospital next door and Chris followed them there while the doctors gave me something to make me sleep. I don't remember anything after until late that night. They let me know when I woke up that both boys were stable, though they both had numerous problems and were very tiny. I was anxious to see them but I had to wait until the next day. While everyone was wanting me to decide on their names, I refused, insisting that I must see them first to be sure the names fit.

Thursday morning Carey and Chris wheeled me down to All Children's to see the boys but unfortunately we were only able to see "Twin A" since the doctors were doing rounds in the section of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) with "Twin B" so I could not decide still on the names. "Twin A" was a little frightening to see due to his small size. They had a blindfold covering half his face since he was under the bililight to treat his jaundice. They also him on a ventilator and IV and there were numerous tubes and wires on him. But he was my baby and beautiful to me. The nurse explained that their main concern right now was that he had not produced any urine yet and they could not determine if he had any kidney function but they said that it could just be temporary due to the twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome. They also had numerous concerns that were normal for any premature infant but I felt confident that he would fight the odds and be fine.


Later on, after Carey had said a reluctant goodbye and headed for the airport, Chris took me down again to see the twins with our friend, Jenn. This time I got to see both of them and felt certain of the names. "Twin A" was my little "Peaceful Leader", Frederic ("Eric") Dean, and "Twin B" was my "Handsome, Bright Fame", Kyle Robert.



The neonatologist took some time to talk to me and to Chris and explained that little Eric ("Twin A") had still not urinated and they were concerned since it had been about 24 hours but he could still turn around if he urinated in the next couple days. She also explained that Kyle ("Twin B") was having the opposite problem, where his bladder was filling more than it should and they were also concerned that his heart had a "thickened wall" caused by the excess blood from the twin-to-twin transfusion but with all their concerns, both boys were stable and looking beautiful.

Shortly after bringing me back to my room at Bayfront and saying goodbye to Jenn, Chris had to leave for home since his kidney stones were causing him a lot of pain. I felt pretty good with the nurses taking care of me and knowing that the twins weren't far away from me. My parents came by later on and brought me down a third time to see the boys. We took turns at the boys' bedsides since only two visitors are allowed by a bedside at a time. So my mom and I took pictures and cooed over one while my dad took pictures and cooed over the other.

I slept well Thursday night knowing my boys had names and were stable but Friday came with dark news and plenty of tears.

Friday afternoon, Chris was unable to make it out to the hospital. He was in pain from the kidney stones and was on medication that didn't allow him to drive. So his mother came to keep me company and to bring me down for a visit to the NICU. I was in a happy mood on the way down there. Though there were concerns, I felt certain that my boys were fighters. But when the neonatologist came to speak to me, the news was not good. Eric had still not urinated and it was not looking like he had functioning kidneys. The fluid in him was building up around his other organs and if he couldn't urinate, the fluid would eventually be toxic in his body. I tried to be optomistic but the doctor informed me that if his kidneys did not begin to function on their own, there was nothing that could be done. He was too small for a transplant or dialysis and the only option would be to wait for his body to give up.

Chris' mom, Marcy, brought me back to my room sobbing. I was no longer optomistic. I was no longer certain that he could fight the odds. If his kidneys were not functioning, he wasn't equipped to fight. Marcy left so that she could pick up Chris' sister, Rachel, from the airport later that night. Rachel has been in the Army in New York and is scheduled for deployment to Iraq soon, but she got special leave in order to come and be with us.

I called Chris but he was still unable to make it to the hospital because of the kidney stones and pain medication. I called my parents and asked them to come over to be with me. My sobbing was uncontrollable until I called my sister. She comforted me and reminded me that there was still a chance that Eric might urinate and turn things around. She also reminded me that I very nearly didn't have Eric at all - or even Kyle, for that matter - and they had proven to be fighters already.

My parents came later and brought me down again to see the boys. This time, I spent almost the whole time by Eric's side and I made sure to touch him as much as I could. I wanted to be sure to have memories to hold onto. The nurse took him off the bililight and took his blindfold off for a little while so we could see his face better. Eric gripped his tiny little knuckles around my finger and blew tiny spit bubbles. He even curled his lip into a slight smile for me. The nurse explained that he still hadn't urinated and his color was starting to look dusky, which was a sign that the fluid was building around his other organs.

Friday night was hard for me. The uncontrollable sobbing came often. The night nurse, Angela, came in to check on me and asked about the boys. When I told her, I started crying again and she scooped me up into her arms and began crying and praying with me. It was very comforting.

In the middle of the night, All Children's called and for a moment, I got my hopes up. I had told them to call me if Eric urinated, no matter what the time. But when the nurse spoke, I knew that it wasn't good news. In fact, it was very nearly very bad news. Eric's heart rate had gone down to critical and they had manually stabilized him using a bag. They had called in the "code team" but he had stabilized and they were able to put him back on the ventilator. It was comforting to know that I was close enough to get there in a matter of minutes if he had not stabilized. I dreaded the next day because they were planning on discharging me.

Saturday morning, Chris packed Hannah up to go to my cousin's house in Lake Wales for the week. My parents drove her out there. Chris' mom picked him up shortly afterward to take him to Bayfront. Meanwhile, the doctor told me they were discharging me but the nurses had said I could stay until 10 pm if I needed to. I called Ronald McDonald House to arrange that I could stay there that night in order to be close to the boys at All Children's. They said I needed to be there by 9 pm to check in and I needed to have someone stay with me or I needed to have the post C-section staples removed. The doctor said they could go ahead and remove the staples without any problem.

Chris arrived with his mother and his sister, Rachel, around lunchtime so we ate our lunch quickly before heading down to the NICU. My heart sank as soon as I saw Eric. It was clear that the night had not been good to him. His tiny body was swollen with fluid and his color had turned such a dark grey, he was almost black. I asked to see the neonatologist. He confirmed that Eric was not showing any sign of improvement and would only be with us for a very short time. They had started him on pain medication. Chris and I cried over our precious little one. Our hearts were both breaking.

Though our other small boy was looking a lot better and the nurses told us he had even peed his bed when they had changed him earlier, we were not comforted. The neonatologist informed us that we would need to decide whether we wanted to have the hospital perform code on Eric if he started to fade or if we wanted to take him off the medications and tubes that were keeping him alive and say goodbye to him. Chris and I agreed that we didn't want to prolong our little boy's pain but I insisted we wait for my parents to be there. We called my mom and dad and asked them to rush back from Lake Wales.

I decided that I wanted to return to Bayfront long enough for them to discharge me and cancel my reservation at Ronald McDonald House so I could stay as late as necessary in the NICU. I was determined not to leave Eric alone, afraid that he might die with no one there. Marcy promised to stay by Eric's side and make sure he was not alone while I settled things at Bayfront.

My discharge took longer than I would've liked because the nurse that was on duty was not aware of my situation and did not understand the urgency. I had to explain the situation which took away all of my strength in order for her to understand that I needed the staples removed, even though I was not staying at the Ronald McDonald House (RMH) that night because I may need to stay at the RMH the next night. She had wanted a definite answer as to whether or not I'd be staying at the RMH and I tearfully explained that I didn't know if my infant would be alive the following day so I couldn't be sure. She finally removed the staples and gave me my discharge papers and we returned to the NICU. By that time, my parents, Chris' dad, and Jenn had all arrived.

Once we returned to the NICU, I felt an odd peace. In a few moments, I would be able to hold my precious little one and give him the best thing I could - an end to the pain while surrounded by love.

We had to wait for the chaplain and the neonatologist and I sat with Kyle for a moment while we waited. Kyle looked so strong and healthy compared to his brother and his nurse assurred me that he was indeed stronger and steadily getting better. It was comforting but after a moment, I had to return to Eric's bedside and face the hardest event of my life.

The NICU waived the rules and we all stood (me, Chris, my parents, his parents, Rachel and Jenn) by Eric's bedside. They allowed me to hold his tiny body cradled in my arms while the life support was still on him and when they removed the life support, we all brought him into the chaplain's office to say goodbye. We all said goodbye and held him during the few minutes and then Eric's face spread into a giant smile as he breathed his last breath.

The neonatologist pronounced time of death and while I sat there crying, the other women cleaned Eric up with the help of the nurse. They provided a small box for keepsakes like Eric's hospital bracelet and blood pressure cuff and such. One of the nurses had even made a small bracelet from ribbon and beads that said "ERIC". The chaplain spoke a few words of comfort and we all left the hospital feeling drained and exhausted.

I know from his smile in the end that he had met the welcoming committee - all the loved ones who have passed before and I know that he was no longer in pain. He no longer needs kidneys where he is now and I know that my grandfather and Chris' grandfather, as well as my Aunt Sandie and many others, are all holding him now and he's in good hands. Chris and I miss him dearly and will always hold a special place for him in our hearts.